Its actually difficult for me to write about this as I am always brushing it under the carpet....I have faced the fact that yes I need to not hide the fact that I do go through bouts of loneliness and a strong urge for family time or just a call here and there to hear my siblings voices or nieces and nephews. I do have some sort of longing in me and I want to say almost an insecurity if I can even call it that. I long for that feeling I recall I used to have as a youngster when Dad was still alive and I felt entirely safe and secure in my environment. Of course one grows up and faces the reality that Dad was not really a real super-heroe nor mum a wonder woman and they too dont have the answers to all lifes obstacles and questions. Mum did a hell of a good job as being my shield and guiding me and now I battle to see my mum going from the person who had the answers and was such a rock to a person who does not want to deal with the reality of life and switches off when everything gets too much.As each day passes I feel more and more for her and long for her time here to be longer than we expect-I cannot think of what I would do without my mum around-mum and I have had a stronger relationship build when I moved to CPT-I know I dissapointed her big time even though she didnt say it when I moved here-she was thrilled that I was making the move just not with the right person. Of course my mum was so suportive and I clearly remember standing at the door leaving and we shared a very special moment where she said a little prayer and told me that her door is always open if things dont work out in CPT. I cant beare to think of my mum missing out on the exciting things still to come in my life.....however I cant avoid this subject and pretend so hopefully when I do have to face this reality one day mum I will feel at peace with the adventures we have shared since her diagnosis. Mum is now spending a little time with each of us between treatments and of course the time spent is more golden now-it always has been golden but of course this is just a little more golden and special. I look forward to our month together next month in April. I mentioned the loneliness which I go through more often than I would like and I crave a chat with a sibling or a chance to hear my nephews or nieces voice and the timing of course is not always right to get in touch and more and more these days everyones lifes are getting busier and busier and I feel like the days are flying by at times where we dont talk.Yes there is e-mail and facebook but we dont get down to decent chats. I had a long day battling with the reality today that in the time of need who really is there???? Of course I know if I called a family member or friend someone would be there for me however I really felt it after the nasty experience I had having woken up to the smell of smoke and mayhem outside not knowing what was going on and being alone-I managed it better than I thought and when I got out of the complex my mind ran wild re contacting thethe family to alert them and know someone is with me in mind. I text Adhil knowing it was a decent time there and he kept in constant contact which made me feel so much better and I felt I had good support during a frightening experience. I made the wise decision of not calling the rest of the family as what were they going to do but I did expect a call after the news broke to see if I was ok and chat to me-yes I know that they heard I was fine and our home however I felt my expected concern from friends and family were lacking and here again I ask-is it because our lives are too busy or is it because of one lack of understanding of the situation I was in? I dont doubt for a moment the love and support I have from family and friends who were just not present in this moment-they would be there in a flash if I called-I just think that me personally long for more contact from friends and family now and then.I cherish my family and I love family time spent with each other and if I had a choice I would love if we could all meet more regularly however of course lifes path takes us seperate ways due to different things we want to experience and accomplish in life. We cant have it all. Please dont get me wrong by this post in anyway-my mum has raised a close knit family of relationships I love and cherish....I personally just long for more interaction. I am moving this weekend and I have been avoiding thinking about it too much-I am most positive about it and think that it will open up lots of new experiences in my life however of course I am anxious and am going to miss coming home to knowing Adhil is around or at least his stuff;) Its been 5 years of support from Adhil and good memories of living together so I think I can feel a little like this?I have to put my big girl panties on and do this and stand firmly on both my feet and as difficult as it is going to be financially for me I got to achieve this step and make lots of sacrifices and hopefully soon one day beable to pay back all my bail to my family who have and are helping me out. I am going to end this post here for now as I am really sleepy.
"Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul."
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